Beyond the Rainbow

The rainbow flag unfurls, a symbol of liberation, joy, and the triumphant embrace of one's true self. Coming out as LGBTQ+ is a momentous occasion, a declaration of authenticity that can feel like a rebirth. Yet, amidst the celebration, a quieter, more complex emotion often lingers: grief.

We speak of the joy of coming out, the relief of shedding a mask, and the exhilaration of living authentically. But the journey also involves letting go. It's a process of acknowledging the losses that accompany newfound freedom. For many in the LGBTQ+ community, this grief is a unique and often unspoken aspect of the coming-out experience.

Grieving the "What Ifs" and "What Was"

The grief associated with coming out can take many forms, and for me, it's been a layered experience, marked by significant losses. My entire life, all 44 years of it, has been interwoven with the church.

Grief for a Lifelong Identity and Community: I didn’t just serve within the church for 12 years; I grew up within its walls. It was my community, my family, my identity. Letting go of that, of the only life I've ever known, has been a monumental grieving process. The "what ifs" echo with a particular intensity, knowing that I've spent a lifetime living a version of myself that wasn't fully authentic.
Grief for Lost Employment and Financial Stability: Coming out resulted in the loss of my job. This has created a significant strain on my financial stability and added a layer of uncertainty to my future.
Grief for Lost Relationships and Support: Leaving the church environment, a community that was the bedrock of my existence, has been a profoundly painful process. More than that, coming out has resulted in many of my friends and support system stepping away. The sense of isolation and rejection has been deeply wounding.
Grief for a Lost "Normalcy": My entire concept of "normal" was shaped by the church. Finalizing my divorce and embracing my authentic self has meant dismantling that entire framework, and rebuilding it from the ground up.
Grief for a Lost Version of Oneself: I am having to let go of the person I have been, the person that everyone knew, to become the person I am. This is a form of grief that runs deeper than I ever imagined.

The Unique Layers of Grief

For LGBTQ+ individuals, and particularly for someone transitioning out of a religious leadership role, this grief can be compounded by societal and personal factors:

Internalized Homophobia/Transphobia: Years of navigating a faith that often condemned my identity have left their mark. I'm working to unlearn those internalized messages.
Lack of Support and Navigating New Spaces: Stepping into the LGBTQ+ community is a new experience. While I have the support of those close to me, there are still spaces where I feel like a newcomer.
Societal Stigma and Workplace Challenges: The need to remain closeted at work until my residency is finalized adds another layer of stress and grief.

Finding Healing and Hope

Acknowledging and processing this grief is essential for healing and moving forward. Here are some strategies:

Allow Yourself to Grieve: Don't suppress your emotions. Acknowledge the pain of loss, including the loss of employment, social support, and a lifelong community.
Seek Support: Connect with LGBTQ+ communities, therapists, or support groups. Sharing your experiences can be incredibly validating, especially when dealing with the isolation that can follow coming out.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. You are on a journey of self-discovery, and healing takes time, especially after significant losses.
Find Your Chosen Family: Build a support network of people who love and accept you for who you are.
Celebrate Your Authenticity: While grief is a part of the process, remember to celebrate the joy of living authentically.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful tool for processing grief.
Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help you stay present and manage difficult emotions.
Gratitude Practices: Focusing on gratitude helps balance the grief with positive emotions. Micro-moments of gratitude, journaling, and mindful breathing have helped me immensely. Also focusing on the joy that my children bring me, and the love and support that I receive.
Looking Forward: Looking forward to the new life that I am building, helps me to keep moving forward.

Moving Forward with Strength

The journey of coming out is not always a smooth one. It is a path that can be filled with both joy and sorrow. By acknowledging and processing the grief that accompanies this journey, we can emerge stronger, more resilient, and more authentically ourselves.

The rainbow, after all, appears after the storm.

It is okay to grieve the loss of things that were once important, even as you embrace your true self. Remember to be kind to yourself, and to lean on your support systems, as you navigate this complex emotional landscape. Your journey, while uniquely yours, resonates with many in the LGBTQ+ community, and sharing your story can offer hope and validation to others.

Written by Christopher Horn for BravelyMe

Coming Out to Religious Family – Bravely Me

Coming out is a deeply personal journey, and when your family is religious, it can add layers of complexity. You're navigating not only your own identity but also potentially challenging deeply held beliefs and traditions. It's a delicate balance of being true to yourself while honouring the relationships you cherish. Here are five tips to help you navigate this challenging process:

1. Prioritise Your Safety and Well-being

This is paramount. Before anything else, ensure you're in a safe environment.
If you anticipate negative reactions or potential harm, have a support system in place—trusted friends, chosen family, or a therapist.
Your emotional well-being is crucial. If you need to postpone the conversation until you feel stronger, that’s perfectly valid.
Remember: safety includes both physical and emotional safety.

2. Choose Your Timing and Setting Carefully

Avoid holidays or highly stressful moments. Choose a calm, receptive time.
Find a private, neutral space that encourages open, undistracted dialogue.
Consider whether to speak to individuals separately or as a group based on your relationships.

3. Approach the Conversation with Respect and Honesty

Show respect for their beliefs and values, even if they differ from yours.
Speak from your heart: “I’ve come to understand this part of myself…”
Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness and stay grounded in your experience.
You can set boundaries: “I’m not comfortable discussing that right now.”
And it’s okay to say, “I understand this is challenging for you. I’m willing to give you time.”

4. Focus on Building Bridges, Not Burning Them

Affirm your desire to keep the relationship intact, even if it takes time for them to understand.
Be patient. Change often happens slowly, especially around faith and identity.
Offer resources, but respect if they’re not ready to engage with them.
Remember: their reaction is not your responsibility.

5. Seek Support and Community

Reach out to LGBTQ+ groups or communities of faith that affirm who you are.
Consider therapy, especially from professionals who understand religious trauma.
You are not alone. Countless others have walked this path—you are in good company.

Important Safety Subnote: Prioritise Safety Above All Else

If coming out could lead to harm—emotional, physical, or financial—your safety is the top priority.
It is okay to delay or decide not to come out right now.
Develop a safety plan: safe spaces, trusted contacts, resources.
If you’re a minor, consider speaking to a teacher, counsellor, or other safe adult.
Document any threats or abuse. Reach out to authorities or crisis services if needed.
Above all, protect yourself. Your well-being matters more than anyone's reaction.

Resources:

The Trevor Project: Crisis support for LGBTQ+ youth. www.thetrevorproject.org
Coming Out to Religious Parents: A practical guide from the Human Rights Campaign. Read here
Q Christian Resources: Perspectives and support for LGBTQ+ Christians. Explore here

A Note of Encouragement:

Coming out to a religious family is a courageous act. While outcomes vary, your authenticity is worth honouring. You deserve to live a life filled with love and truth. Approach the conversation with honesty and compassion—and remember to surround yourself with those who celebrate you for who you are.

Not all religious families respond negatively. You might be surprised—some may embrace and affirm you immediately. Hold on to hope.

Written by Christopher Horn for BravelyMe

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