Learning to Love Ourselves: The Heart of Growth

Beyond Labels: Building Strength and Joy in LGBTQI+ Families

For years, I lived with the sense that the truest part of me was caged. Outwardly, life looked full. I was married, there was love, there was a home. But the hidden self, the one that I dared not let out, was told it was evil. Sinful. Wrong. That part of me was not worthy of love.

It is strange how you can be loved and yet not feel loveable. I was loved for the mask, for the part I allowed others to see, for the version of myself that kept the peace. But late at night, when the house was still, the voice inside reminded me that the real me was hidden. That he could never be embraced.

Everything began to shift when my daughter started her own journey of courage. Watching her claim who she truly was, even when the world around her did not always understand, became a mirror for me. I remember saying to myself, Chris, you need to take up courage from her example. If she can face the world with her whole self, how can you continue hiding? If she is worthy of love, so are you.

That was the start of my journey into self-love. And I will be honest - it has not been a smooth or easy path. Loving yourself when you have been told again and again that you are sinful, broken, or wrong, takes more than repeating kind words in the mirror. It takes unlearning. It takes patience. It takes daring to believe that the world was wrong.

For me, self-love began with very small acts. Allowing myself to say, “I deserve rest.” Giving myself permission to enjoy a long walk without guilt. Choosing to speak gently to myself when mistakes happened. These may seem ordinary, but for someone who spent years believing his worth depended on performance, they were radical.

And yet here is the truth I want you to hear. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to show yourself the love the world says you are not worthy of. Because when you do, you begin to discover something amazing. You are not a problem to be solved. You are a person to be cherished, beginning with how you treat yourself.

Self-love is not just an idea. It is a practice, a discipline, a way of living that reshapes everything from how you wake up in the morning to how you hold yourself in relationships.

When I first heard the phrase “self-love,” I rolled my eyes. It sounded indulgent, like bubble baths and affirmations. I could not imagine it changing the ache inside me. But over time I learnt that self-love is not about indulgence. It is about survival. It is about building a life where you no longer need to apologise for existing.

Here are the practices that have been most transformative for me:

1. Rewriting the Inner Script

For years, my inner script was one of condemnation. I would hear echoes of sermons, warnings, and judgements long after leaving the pulpit. The first step in learning to love myself was identifying those scripts and challenging them. A simple practice is to write down a sentence you often hear in your mind, then answer it with truth. For example:

Old script: “You are sinful for being who you are.”
Loving response: “I am whole, human, and loved as I am.”

Over time, these responses begin to rewire how you see yourself.

2. Mindfulness and Body Awareness

I used to live only in my head, analysing, worrying, justifying. Mindfulness helped me reconnect with my body. Simple practices like pausing to notice my breath, stretching in the morning, or putting a hand over my heart when I felt shame reminded me that I live in a body that deserves care. Self-love is not only mental, it is physical.

3. Journaling for Acceptance

One of the most powerful tools I have used is a journaling practice I call “letters of worth.” Each week, I write a letter to myself as if I were writing to a dear friend. I tell myself what I admire, what I forgive, what I am proud of. At first it felt awkward. But with time, these letters became a record of growth, a reminder that I am someone worth cherishing.

4. Boundary Setting as Self-Love

It took me years to understand that saying no is not unkind. Setting boundaries with people who drained me or spoke words of harm was one of the clearest ways I learnt to love myself. Each boundary drawn was a declaration: I deserve safety. I deserve peace. I deserve respect.

5. Learning from My Daughter’s Courage

My daughter’s journey continues to inspire me. Watching her walk boldly into her truth reminded me that self-love is contagious. When one person in a family begins to live authentically, it gives others permission to do the same. Her courage lit the path for me. My courage, I hope, lights the path for others.

Loving yourself when the world has told you that you are unworthy is not easy. But it is possible. And it is life-changing. Each step you take towards self-love deepens your ability to live openly, to offer real love to others, and to create a family life marked by honesty and joy.

Ask yourself:

What words do I still carry that are not truly mine?
How can I begin to speak to myself as kindly as I speak to those I love?
What small act of care can I offer myself today without guilt?

There is nothing in you that needs fixing to make you loveable. You are already enough. The work is not to change who you are, but to learn to offer yourself the same kindness you so freely give to others. You are not a problem to be solved. You are a person to be cherished, beginning with how you treat yourself.

The most radical act you can take is to treat yourself with the gentleness the world denied you.

If you are walking a similar road and want space to talk it through, I am here.